blueirisheyez

Relaxing weekend

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:53:32 GMT

So....for what might be the first time in two years I actually had a truly "do nothing - just chill - sit back and relax weekend" and all I can say is THANK GOD!

Last Friday during my lemonchello drunken state, I had invited a guy I have gone out on a few dates with to come over and partake in some beverages. My family LOVED him and invited him (without telling me) to the lake house for the weekend. O.k. so they didn't ask me but that's cool. John is a nice guy and although I don't know if we will be a long haul kinda of thing whatev....I refused to let anything ruin my weekend and he is the kind of guy that doesn't need to be clingy so ok he will go. I can deal.

WE HAD A BLAST. The weather could NOT have been more perfect up in Rome. The water was amazing and if I wasn't swimming I was on the wave runner or on a boat or sitting in an inner tube with a beverage in my hand enjoying the sun and sky. It was just fabulous and it did bring John and I closer. He is a nice guy and he understands that I am not in the place for anything more than dating although he says he feels more than that for me. Again, I am just not there emotionally or mentally or anything else and he accepts it.

Oh the biggest chuckle of the weekend was Sunday night when I got home and I got an email from Z. Try not to fall off your chairs everyone but

HOWIE IS ENGAGED.

Yep. He proposed to Becky two weeks ago at a big blow out party he threw for her birthday.

Once I got myself up off the floor from laughing so hard this was our conversation:

Howie: Did you hear, Becky and I are engaged.

Me: That's GREAT Howard. Really just GREAT!!!!! (Yes the Tony the Tiger inflection should be used at this point)

Howie: I proposed to her at her birthday party I threw for her 100 of our closest friends.

Me: That's GREAT Howard. Really just GREAT!!!!! (Notice a pattern?)

Howie: This weekend we went to Missouri to meet her family. they love me.

Me: That's GREAT Howard. Really just GREAT!!!!!

Howie: So you need to come over and celebrate with us.

Me: Howie...I am thrilled for you. Good luck on this whole marriage thing. Rock out. But when will you realize that I am NEVER GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN? Seriously. I want no part in your life. If you are engaged to her why do you even want to talk to me? Seriously? Move on for the love of God.

Howie: You are such a child.

Me: Yep. Ok buh bye.

Priceless. Absolutely priceless.

So when did I become an alcoholic

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:33:04 GMT

Lemonchellos. Seriously. The. Best. Drink. Ever. Lemonchellos. I heart them.

So my sister and I get off the train on Friday and I am just stressed. I am stressed and tired from work, I don't want to work the weekend, I am just done. The weather is GORGEOUS as we walk to my car. We get in and my sister turns to me and says....

"Laraway liquors. We need to go to the liquor store".

Of course drinking is the last thing I want to do so I respond with:

"Awesome - let's go" LOL

$100.00 later I am in the kitchen trying to figure out how to make a lemonchello. There aren't any directions and what is there is for a lemonchello martini. Umm so I am trying to make one and doing taste test after taste test. Ummm can we say easily intoxicated? I give up because this drink is too damn strong and I say "what this needs is lemonade". So my cousin stops by, my Dad and brother in law get in in the action and we are all buzzed and feeling happy and goofing around.

Saturday after work we all met up at a restaurant to celebrate a few family things. There is about 20 of us. Afterward we decide to continue the celebration at my sister's house. I stop and get lemonade.

Lemonchellos. Seriously. My. New. Love.

A Big Helping of Crazy Weekend with a Side of Drama

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:07:45 GMT

Ugghhhh. What a crazy weekend. I think I was home for a total of 4 hours all weekend long (if you exclude sleep).

Some backstory:

My firm throws a Rooftop Party every year during the Crosstown Classic. For those that do not live in the Chicagoland area or are not baseball fans, twice a year the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox play a series called the Crosstown Classic. One series is played at Wrigley and the other is played at The Cell. Well Wrigley has Party Rooftops on Waveland, across from the field. They are the most awesome of things. My firm throws a party there once a year for their most special clients and I am in charge of it. So the two months leading up to this event are always crazy for me and the day or two before it, getting final guests lists together for the security staff and such, is an absolute nightmare.

Also, some more backstory:

I have been getting alot of text messages from Cristian lately. Maybe I read too much into it I don't know but the point is, on Saturday, I was getting these messages about how he went here and there with his new group of friends and how they had a huge poker party and all this. What drives me nuts is everything that he is doing with his new friends, he never wanted to do with me. He always told me, "that isn't who I am...I don't do that stuff" and the more and more he tells me this stuff, I realize that in the end, I was dumped because of my age. I wasn't hip or cool enough for him like his friends are. I also think that his friends are manipulating what he says to me. More on that later. Also, for more backstory, it is important to know that my friend Andrea, who is also friends with Cristian and has known him forever as well, went to the Rooftop with me.

Ok so that is all the backstory you need for this and we are off.

So Saturday...I got my period and I am super duper emotional. Probably too emotiona to work a 13 hour shift at Osco like I did (hence why I didn't call you back Maddie) and take any text messages from Cristian! So I get home and I shower and I am in bed at like 7:00 p.m. when I get a text from Cristian and he mentions how he was at a poker party the night before and he won and what a great time he had and blah blah blah. Now...I tried to get him to go gambling with me. Whenever we have family parties the guys play poker but C never wanted to play because "that wasn't him" but I guess...now it is him. So I call him on it. I text that I think it is bullshit that he is doing all these things and he tells me as if it isn't going to hurt me. That he doesn't stop to think about my feelings and nor has he ever. He has never asked me if I am doing ok. He doesn't hurt at all about us and I still mourn. I mean it has only been a month and we were together for almost two years. How can it be so easy to walk away. Yeah I probably should have just ignored him and such but I couldn't. My emotions wouldn't let me so I struggled with this and finally just let it fly.

So Sunday, at the party, he texts me with "maybe we should just go our separate ways because obviously you can't get over being dumped" (swear to God that is how he typed it). So i show it to Andrea and at this point I am tickeled that someone finally got to see it in the flesh what an ass he has become. So I tell him that he missed the point of my text message. That I felt hurt because he does stuff with these people and never with me and than I get this: "you were always too damn tired to do what I wanted to do. When was the last time we went to a movie? I mean you think that I just suddenly said I had enough but it was coming for months so don't try to make me feel bad and manipulate me. You need to just get over it". So I basically type back that he is being mean and hurtful on purpose and if he didn't love me than why was he even with me and he responded with:

"I don't know...you weren't worth it...even your money wasn't worth it".

OMG. Tears flow. Andrea is so angry with him. Tears still flowing. All Andrea keeps saying is "someone is telling him what to say. He would never say that Kel he would never say that. But...he has...he did...and I realize I need to be the adult that I am. I wipe my tears and I text message him with....

"In one sentence you were able to destroy anything I once felt for you. You have succeeded in the one thing I never thought would happen. You have made me hate you". As of right now, you are blocked from my phone. I am done. Do NOT contact me again.

His response: "you don't know how to block people on your phone".

So hours later, at midnight, I am at Andreas getting ready to crash and her and I are talking and I get a text message from him. I shouldn't have read it. I really shouldn't have. It reads:

"I just thought you might want to know I am getting married next year".

What the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I scream, I throw the phone. Andrea picks it up and looks at it and sees me, crumbled mess that I am on the floor in hysterics. She is begging me to stop crying.   I grab the phone and respond...

"Why are you intent on destroying my heart. Do you hate me this much?"

His response:

Ha. I knew you wouldn't block me. I just wanted to see if you would block me or not and I knew you couldn't do it so I said that because I knew it would upset you. I am not engaged.

I ignore him and turn off the phone and pray to that he gets what is coming to him ten-fold.

This morning I hear from Andrea who left a voicemail and a text message for Cristian which stated in part:

I want you to know that I was with Kelly when you decided to play the drama card last night. I was with her when you told her that even her money wasn't worth being with her. I was with her when she cried her eyes out after that. I was with her when you wouldn't leave her alone until she finally said she would block you and most importantly, I was with her when you played this game of terrorizing her by saying you were engaged. As of today, I no longer consider you my friend. You are dead to me. Please note that I read the text messages and I know it isn't Kelly being manipulative but that it is you trying to destroy what is left of a very fragile heart. Know that I will be contacting all our mutual friends today to let them know of your behavior. You have reached an ultimate low.

I never wanted my friends to choose sides but I have to admit, I am so glad that someone else got to see first hand when my life has been like for the past month. Sigh.

Plus the Cubs swept my beloved Sox. Sadness reigns.

A Hallmark Moment

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:11:39 GMT

For those of you that know me very well...you know that I am totally a "Daddy's Little Girl". My father and I are extremely close and we always have been. My sisters always have me run interference and when they do they say "Go deal with Dad...you are the favored child anyway". So it truly is no secret. My Dad loves all of us but there is no secret that he and I have a special bond.

So for Father's Day, I took Dad for breakfast. It was nice because it was just he and I. The rest of the family went to the lakehouse and since Dad and I both have jobs that interfere with a fun weekend, we had the opportunity to be alone. It was really nice. It was also unbelievably sappy.

We had just gotten back from breakfast and we were sitting and talking about the new house and such. My Dad had asked if I had talked to Cristian recently. I explained to him what "wasn't " going on and this is how the conversation went down:

Dad: I really thought he was the perfect one for you Kelly. The age difference didn't even bother me because I saw how that boy looked at you and there was no denying that he truly loved you with all his heart.

Me: Well...feelings change and his did and I dunno. I think that I am just done. I really do. I don't really have time for a relationship anyway and I have never met a man who loves me the way I want to be loved. I think it's best for me if I just focus on the jobs and the house and just forget about ever finding anyone. It just isn't worth it. I am tired of my heart being ripped to shreds every year or so!

Dad: Baby...I really wish that men can see what I see when I look at you. I wish they could see the heart and spirit that you have. If they did, no one would ever walk away.

Me: (Crying like a baby)....well you see me with different eyes because you are my Dad.

Dad: Well at least you know, no matter what, I am a man that will always love you.

Sigh.

The weekend

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:27:59 GMT

Posted from an email I sent this morning:

Friday was the firm's 25th Anniversary Party at The Ritz. OMG it was just unbelievably lovely. Yum yum yum. I am a bit ashamed at myself though because I probably should NOT have drove home. LOL

Saturday I took the day off from work. I slept in but we had storms off and on all day long with very high temps like you. I had a dinner date so I went to meet him and I get to the restaurant and my mom is calling my phone. I normally don't answer on date because it is rude but she kept calling. Turns out, a tornado hit Manhattan so she was worried if I was ok. Than, just as I am on the phone with her, the manager of the restaurant announces that we need to be evacuated becuase a tornado has been sighted. So they put us in this small room with no windows in teh back of the restaurant for 20 minutes. All the while my whole family and my friends are trying to call me because they think I am home when in actuality I am risking my life at a Cracker Barrel ROLF. Good times.

Sunday I am at work talking to a co-worker when all of a sudden, someone comes up from behind me and grabs me and hugs me from behind.......CRISTIAN. I thought I would be ok seeing him...i thought I wanted to see him....I guess I never realized how much I loved him because it HURT. It hurt soooo damn bad. Sigh. It was not a good scene. But if it helps me at all. He admitted he wasn't happy either.

Back at work and don't want to be here. it is still hot and rainy and I love the heat but I have had enough rain.

What is wrong with retail

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:19:14 GMT

So my firm's 25th Anniversary Celebration is at the Ritz Carlton tomorrow night. It is cocktail attire. Now maybe I am old fashioned but my version of cocktail attire is obviously different than a big chunk of people. I have been to some many stores and I can't find ANYTHING. I ask these ladies for assistance at the store and they pull stuff that just makes me want to scream. What makes you think that linen capri pant is "cocktail" attire for THE RITZ. Hellooooooo. I can't find a nice dress to save my life and what I do find, doesn't have sleeves but I am sorry...I am NOT subjecting my arm fat to the rest of humanity. Just isn't going to happen. Sigh. I did end up picking up a nice pair of fuck me pumps to wear with an outfit I already have. I am not thrilled by it. I still don't think it is appropriate enough for cocktail attire but it is going to have to do.

Retailers - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO DRESS UP. FAT PEOPLE DONT WANT TO SHOW THEIR ARMS AND YA KNOW WHAT? WHY DOES A SIMPLE LINEN BLAZER COST $100.00!!!!!!! UGGHHHHH!

Cha cha cha changes

Thu, 22 May 2008 14:50:07 GMT

So I was talking to a friend the other day about how sad I have been. How things should be wonderful but they aren't.  How alone I feel even though I am not. I guess my friend K, spoke with her mom about my issues and her mom said that part of it must be because I am in a MUCH bigger space than I had been before so my lonliness might stem from that. Not really sure. I have friends, I talk to them often. Granted, I moved to the middle of no where so I don't expect to see them often but even previously I didn't see them often because of my work schedule. So just not sure where the problem is.

I know part of it is what I would expect to happen...I am SURROUNDED by children in this new subdivision. It's like Children of the Corn. They are everywhere.  I knew going into it that I would feel odd, being a single woman surrounded by all these families but I think it might be bothering me more than I care to admit. Sigh. Just not sure. I think I need a vacation from life!

My firm's summer party is coming up. I originally RSVPd for two, thinking that Rob would join me but he will be living in Dallas by that time so unfortunately, that isn't happening. It's at The Ritz so I have to find something suitable. Blah. More money to spend when I would rather not! Oh well what can I do.

The phone company is coming on Thursday to install the jacks. Who the hell builds a house without phone jacks? What is up with that? Everyone keeps saying "well didn't you notice it when you did your walk through?" Nooooo I didn't wanna know why? I don't look at a house and think "wow better make sure their are phone jacks" I just ASSUMED that they would be there! What the hell!

The entire family is going to the lakehouse this weekend. I have to work so I will be staying home.  Blah.

That's all I got. Boring cranky me!

Why am I so damn sad

Tue, 20 May 2008 16:20:16 GMT

I have no clue why I feel the way I do. I know I should be thrilled that so many positive things are happening in my life but I don't feel that way. I want to break down and cry. I want to hide out under covers and never come back out. What is wrong with me?

A really good week

Sat, 10 May 2008 12:24:44 GMT

So much is going on but so far it has all been fabulous. We had a major hiccup with the painting of the house. I had wanted three colors, a beautiful green that was going in the kitchen and dining room, a fabulous rusty red kind of color that was going to be the one accent wall in the living room for the couch to go on and gold in the entrance way and up the stairwell. Understand that why kitchen, living room and dining room is one large open space so the three colors, blending perfectly, go with my "Tuscany" wine country feel that I am going for. My family diligently started painting last Saturday, doing it without me which I thought was awesome because I had to work. I got there and was pleased with the green. The rust color still wasn't on the wall. I went to the grocery store to get more bottled water and sodas and when I came back, I walked into the ugliest color of "puked up rusted nail" I had ever seen in my life. My sister did one swipe of it and stopped, knowing I would hate it. At that point I yelled, put the gold on that wall. Of course I didn't have enough and had to go buy MORE paint...sooo expensive uuuggghhh. So now the walls are gold and green but my living room furniture looks AMAZING in the house.

My mom went and cleaned and put out all my new small appliances. LOVE HER. We went Thursday and finally found a dish set. That was another long story. She wanted me to buy a 500.00 set from the Chris Madden collection at JC Penneys. I told her she was insane. We compromised. I found an adorable set for $40.00 and added some of the accent pieces of the Madden collection to it for a grand total of $120.00 for 8 full sets of dishes, a platter, a pitcher, salt and pepper shakers, a pitcher and a canister set. That is an awesome buy! Very proud of myself.

I still need to purchase the following: paint for the rest of the rooms and upstairs, bathroom stuff for my master bath (love saying that), a tv stand for the new tv I will be buying, bookshelves and a new desk for my office.

Than I will be broke and done.

So on to some other news that I probably shouldn't type for fear of completely jinxing myself but here goes.

I had a date last night. Yes I know Cristian and I just broke up a few weeks ago but we haven't spoken at all. I had hoped we would remain friends but I guess he didn't want to and the more I have thought about it all...spoken with others about it...and really delved into my own heart, I hate to say it but maybe he was right....maybe there really wasn't anything left anymore. It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that yeah, maybe we were hanging on for the sake of hanging on. I dunno...but that being said, because I opened my head and heart to the possibility that he was right, it has eased any hurt that I had and frankly I have had ZERO time for a relationship anyway. So back to the date.....

Now...I have had some great first dates with great conversation and all that and than I never heard from the guy. Now this being said, I have always assumed that it was for one of two reasons why the guy didn't bother with me. One....he couldn't get over my rubenesque figure or two, I didn't put out on the first date. I mean how could someone NOT love me LOL. Anyway...so I had this date and it could NOT have gone better. I have NEVER had such a great first date before. He was just super sweet and super nice and as I said I am probably jinxing myself by talking about him. Taking this VERY slow as we are both moving so we don't have alot of free time right now, his friends are important to him so he spends alot of time with them (which I like) and neither one of us want to jump in and burn out fast. So we shall see. He did call me when he got home last night to tell me what a great time he had and blah blah blah so I thought that was cool. We shall see. I am being level-headed and realistic but time will tell.

The greatest thing about this date? He knew pop culture references so I didn't have to explain everything to him. You have no clue how refreshing that was. So when I hummed the "manamana song" from the muppets, he knew his part! That's love people! LOL

Being a homeowner

Fri, 02 May 2008 04:33:39 GMT

I closed on my house yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a great team behind me, starting with Angie and Dan and the finance folks. They all put up with me and deserve medals of honor!

I got tons of new stuff from my Mom and Dad. As I told Angie "it's like having a bridal shower again without the loser husband" LOL.

For the most part my family was great about it. My oldest sister is such a doll. She called me to congratulate me and asked me what store I wanted a gift certificate from in order to buy some stuff. Too sweet and totally unnecessary.

Tomorrow night I go with my bro-in-law to pick up the paint and all that stuff. My wallet is hurting but it will all be beautiful soon.

The weekend

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:54:09 GMT

I am curious as to when i re-entered high school. I hated it then and I hate it even more now. So on Saturday morning I got a call from K who informed me that B spoke with Cristian and Cristian told her that he was "still in love with me" and that he "never said there was nothing there anymore" and said that he never told me all the things I said he said. He further stated that he felt we needed a bit of down time because we were both so busy but that I also had to "give a little more". When B asked "how much can she give?" he would not respond.

This all threw me for a loop. So because I have balls of steel, I called Cristian and asked him what was going on and his response:

"Barb is confused. I never said anything like that. No...I don't want you back so I am sorry she told you that but it isn't true".....

WTF?????????? Now...let me state that I WOULDN'T GO BACK ANYWAY but I hate the drama and the he said/she said crap. So K promised to talk to B and K and B both decided that they were going to stay away from him as well. We are all starting to think that something so much more is going on but we don't know what and frankly, I don't know if any of us really care to find out.

I went to the lakehouse over the weekend. Finally got my butt there. It is gorgeous and the house is beautiful but I was bored. I guess if I went with a friend it wouldn't have been so bad but the weather sucked so I was stuck in the house. Because of that I would have preferred being at home and getting things done for the move. Once the summer rolls around and I can actually swim and go boating and such, I hope it will be better out there.

My closing is on Wednesday! I am sooo excited!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:50:25 GMT

So he didn't call me all day today. I sent him a text message first thing this morning just stating that he needed to come and get his things and leave my keys that he had. I left all the gifts he had given me on the table for him to take. I honestly didn't expect him to rush over today to get all his stuff but he did. I can't believe it. Everyone who has known him well all said that he is just going through a difficult time with his parents. Give him space and he will come around. Now those same people are freaked out about how quickly he got this "done". I am starting to question that maybe there isn't another woman involved afterall. In most of my past relationships, the ones wherein the feelings did start to end didn't end as abruptly as this one did. Those that did always had another woman involved. I dunno...maybe I am looking for something that isn't there but as I said to a friend today, it is hard to move on when you never really got closure. I have tried very hard in my life to get the answers that I feel my pscyhe needs in order to move on in a healthy way. Cris and I had always said no matter what we would at least be friends, we would be civil. He won't even return a damn text message. So just one day he is here and the next gone....like a death. Yet, I want to grieve and I can't. I want to lash out and cry and hurt him like I am hurting right this moment. More than anything, I miss being called "smooshy face".

It's over

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 05:36:33 GMT

Cristian broke up with me tonight.

Very stressful relationship day

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 02:31:24 GMT

So...the last time I was at Cristian's house, his Dad seemed to be kind of distant. Normally he is very talkative to me but not so much the last time. I questioned Cristian about it and he said that it was just that his dad was buy with other stuff and wasn't really talking to anyone.

So today Cristian and I had plans to go to the storage unit (I actually got rid of 90% of the stuff there so moving will be a total breeze), and than we went to look at furniture and housewares. So his Dad called and about 30 minutes later his Mom called. I asked him why he just didn't pick up the phone and talk to them and he sort of blew me off. Much questioning later, he admitted that they really didn't want him with me today and wanted him home. I asked home for what and he said "to just be home". Sigh. I realize they are a different culture but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! So finally he calls his mom. They talk back and forth, I don't understand since they are talking in spanish and he hangs up. I ask again what's up and he says "nothing" which I know is bullshit. So I ask him again and he responds...they want me to come home.

Now....I hardly see him, as I know his family very rarely sees him BUT he is off every Thursday so he can go to church with them. I accept that. So no matter what, they at least see him on Thursdays. I am lucky I get him for four hours once or twice a week. Today really pissed me off as he is off this weekend so tomorrow he will be with them all day anyway because THEY HAVE CHURCH. So I get pissy and I ask what is up...that I have felt something brewing for awhile and finally he says..."my parents want us to be friends but they don't want anything more...it isn't that they don't like you but the fact that you don't share our religion is a problem". WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????/

So he is Apostolic and I am Catholic. Last time I checked, we shared THE SAME GOD. We believe in The Trinity. We read the SAME BIBLE. Other than the fact that I don't believe in speaking in tongues or jumping up and down in the aisle, what exactly IS THE BLOODY DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I realize all these phone calls are being done ON PURPOSE to keep us separated. WHAT YEAR IS THIS? WHERE THE HELL ARE WE? WHAT THE FUCK?????????

Much ranting and raving ensues. With me moving so far away, this relationship was going to be difficult enough. Now this? I knew going into this that we would not be forever but I have never been happier with anyone and it kills me that his parents are doing this. I can't bring myself to walk away but I realize that time is near.

I was supposed to be so happy this weekend...Sigh.

Well..................................

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:04:39 GMT

I got final approval on the mortgage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the news yesterday afternoon and have been in shock ever since. I cannot believe it. Truly deeply. This is such a huge deal for me. I did it all on my own. As I said to someone yesterday. This is more than just getting a mortgage. This is bouncing back from the worthless husband I had and the damage he did to my credit. This is about bouncing back from bad decisions and working my ass off the past three years to not only succeed but thrive. I am thrilled. So unbelievably thrilled.

Stress? What Stress?

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:36:53 GMT

I haven't written much lately because I feel that most of my journal entries are all the same. House, house, house, house and house.

That being said. Here is an update: THERE IS NO UPDATE. I am so stressed out about this. Ya'll have no clue! I was told by the finance guy that he would have a firm answer by today, Tuesday at the very latest, on whether or not I am truly 100% whole-heartedly approved. Now everyone keeps telling me not to worry. Everyone keeps saying "you got pre-approved and he wouldn't have sent your file off to underwriting if he thought you weren't going to get the loan" blah blah blah. Well guess what? I WORRY! I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I worry about what I would do if I don't get the loan. I worry about what I will do when I DO get the loan. My life is full of worry and stress right now and I honestly have no clue how to stop it! Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown this weekend.  For those of you who don't know, I am moving to the southwest burbs for a variety of reasons (more bang for the buck, closer to my family). My wonderful wonderful family. Ya know the ones who have bitched and moaned for the past three years that they HARDLY EVER SEE ME because I LIVE SO FAR AWAY? So this past Wednesday I email my sister to make sure that they will be home on Saturday. Cristian was out of town so I figured I would spend the day with my family. My sister says "yes absolutely come on by" and than on Thursday emails me with "we have a change of plans, we are all going to the lakehouse.  Call off of Osco and come with".

Now.....they moan and groan about never seeing me. I give them the opportunity and they blow me off and expect me to blow off work too? I can't do that? I honestly think they believe I just stand in front of a register all day and do nothing at the store. It frustrates me that they think so little of that job. Yeah it doesn't pay alot but without the job I could NEVER have cleared up my credit like I have and gotten the things I do have.   So it is frustrating that they thing so little of it that I can just blow it off.   Plus, why is it ok to blow me off?

Cristian was out of town. There was TONS of stress at the store and there is some drama here at the firm (letting go alot of secretaries go). I got home, exhausted from the day and all the stress and just cried like a baby. Ugghhh I hate when that happens. I feel like an idiot but I needed the release.

Well 12:36 and still no phone call. Sigh.

Has it really been two weeks!

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:40:18 GMT

Gawd...it seems like forever since I last made a journal entry. I guess my life is extremely boring as I don't have much to write about.

I am finally starting to heal from the dental surgery. I will not be going back to that surgeon. I had an appointment with my regular dentist on Wednesday. At this meeting I will definitely let him know of my concerns and basically I am going to say "ok I won't do this again. I am not seeing that surgeon again. You need to find an alternative to the work you originally planned because NO ONE IS TOUCHING MY MOUTH IN THAT WAY AGAIN. Enough said.

I haven't seen much of my family. They all go to the lake house practically every weekend which is great for them. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury. I have to work. I have to save money. I have to have a nicer than average nest egg in the account for the home loan.  My middle sister, K, has a huge house that she is in serious debt with. Her husband is in construction so he obviously is hardly working. Her bills aren't being paid and I am worried she might lose her house. Yet, instead of either my sister or her hubby getting a second job, they are at my other sister's lake house every weekend. It is so frustrating to me. I don't have the joy of having a spouse who's additional income can help support me. I work two damn jobs. Now I realize that was the choice I made. I don't HAVE to work the job but I do it because I want nice things. I don't want any debt other than the car, the new house, and a credit card or two. It just drives me insane.

Speaking of the house, I have signed a contract on a three bedroom, 2 and a half bath townhome. I am just waiting for the final word on financing and I expect to have that by the end of the week or beginning of next at the latest. I am FREAKING out! Obviously I want this to happen but there are parts of me that second guess myself. There is also the part of me that worries that Cristian and I will not be able to weather the distance. I hope that isn't the case. It will be alot of driving for both of us but only time will tell.

Well I better get some work done.

Can anything good ever happen?

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:25:41 GMT

I have had a very rough week. The house hunting is not going well. There is a part of me now that is saying, just wait six more months and try again. It is supposed to be a buyer's market but you have to tell that to the sellers. These folks think that there homes are worth SO MUCH MORE than they are. It's frustrating. I am not sure what to do at this point.

I am still miserable from my oral surgery. I still haven't eaten anything solid and it has been over a week. I can't really talk and blah. Because I am on all the meds and am already feeling down from the pain, I am more or less a big ball of sadness and nerves. I feel bad for Cristian...he gets the brunt of my sadness and anger. I don't mean to use him as my outlet and he knows it but blah..

We have a new store director at Osco. I am on the fence. I am not sure how I feel about him at all. He and I talked a bit about the gossip going around about me leaving the store. I told him I was considering buying a house but was planning on still working at that store. He was very appreciative of that, as he doesn't have much of a staff there and needs all the help he can get.

All I know is this...I am desperate for a Red Robin cheeseburger. Sigh.

Surgery, house drama, and all around feeling sorry for oneself

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 02:47:06 GMT

I have found three houses that I loved. One house I put an offer on and the seller than comes back with owe did we forget to mention there is an ADDITIONAL assessment on top of the assessment already mentioned? Oh and that second assessment is a builder's assessment...so it goes up every year. Yeah so that's $200+ a month plus the mortgage. Sorry we didn't share that information before you placed a bid. Oops we are so bad. No, we won't go lower...are you out of your mind?

Second home didn't even have the decency to call my wonderful real estate angel back. When they finally did, a week later, they acted like we were being ridiculous for being upset that we didn't get any return phone calls. Plus, they won't budge on the asking price...why? Because they don't wanna. Umm dudes...your house has been on the market forever and a day....but that's ok...hold out of the gold. Good luck on that.

The third house...everything was signed sealed and delivered. Great price, great location, I was happy. Than my finance guy says 'oh didn't I tell you with 100% financing YOU have to pay the points. So yeah...the seller will only go so far with that...so I have to come up with $2500.00 more than what I already have. Yeah so raman noodles for dinner for the next two months. It's doable but so long getting anything new for the house. Who has this kind of money that you need anymore? I mean seriously.

Plus, I had oral surgery yesterday. Two teeth pulled, an implant installed and two teeth lengthened (which feels like hell times infinity). The viocodin isn't helping as much as I would like. So between this and the stress of the house...yeahhh. ummm yeahh.

Guess What???????????

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:57:10 GMT

I GOT PREAPPROVED FOR MY HOME LOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have been doing the happy dance all day!!!!!! I am so thrilled you have no clue!!!!!!!!!!!!

Special thanks has to be given to my friend (and real estate angel) Angie. Thank you so much for putting up with me, my constant entourage and my doubts and fears!!!!!! I still have a long way to go but you have been such a blessing to me. You have no clue how much I love you babe!!!!!!!!

I have been in tears on and off most of the day. For those of you who know me personally, you know what the past 5 years of my life have been like. A god awful marriage ending, followed by the realization of what damage that wonderful person did to my financial life. A disasterous relationship after that that required me to basically run and hide and the past two years fixing all the mistakes, fixing my credit, my relationships with friends and family and now this moment! OMGGGG OMGGGG OMGGGG.

I am so thrilled!

Been awhile

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:51:09 GMT

I have been stressing out about a wide variety of things lately. I don't even remember where my last post wound up at so here goes what has been going on in my life lately:

1. Cristian got the promotion. He was transferred to the Libertyville store. I no longer work with him. Part of me thinks this will be a good thing because he can really focus on the promotion and doing a great job as Manager. It would have been difficult with our relationship for him to manage me. I am thrilled for him. It comes with a huge salary increase and he promises that he will continue to go to school. I worry that he is going to burn the candle at both ends but he insists he can handle it and if he can't, he will cut back on school but WILL NOT quit.

2. I have oral surgery on the 29th. They are knocking me out. It will be about $4,000.00. That is just for the first surgery. Not the second or any additional work. I did a spreadsheet and I think I am current at about $17k for everything they want to do. Sigh. I like the surgeon though. He didn't make me feel like an ass for not having all the money in the world to be able to pay for all of this. He knows that we are talking years of dental work due to the cost factor and he is ok with that.

3. I so need to buy a house this year. I just figured out my taxes and I owe because I make way too much money and I don't owe a damn thing. Thankfully, my friend Angie is going to help me out with this. I hope I can make it work. Ugghhhh.

Sigh. Just sigh.

Wacky week - wacky month - wacky year?

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 19:39:40 GMT

Last week was very stressful. Not just for me but it seems like alot of folks that I am close to all had some major things happening in their lives.

A friend from the day job, her mom was in a major car accident. Hit head on by a drunk driving a hummer. Mom is in her 70s and has almost all her ribs broken, two broken legs and a broken ankle. They also can't do any surgery on her because she now has pneumonia.

A co-worker at Osco passed away suddently.

Another co-worker's daughter was in a major car accident as well. She is in a coma. We don't know any other status than that.

Prayers around for everyone.

Well Cristian turned 21 yesterday! Whoooo hooooo! Saturday was insane. He picked me up for work and he was having car issues and I thought maybe it was the shocks but I was thinking it might be the struts as well, but it wasn't pulling in any wierd dirction so I wasn't sure.  After work we were on our way to Andrea's house to set up for the party and he got a flat! So we pulled into Firestone and had to deal with teh screwballs there. In the meantime, I had Andrea's hubby pick me up. To make a long story short.  It's the struts, it sucks, he had to cab it to Andreas and he was just on time for his own party.

I got royally plastered. I seriously don't remember ever being that drunk. On the plus side, I took a hangover chaser and it worked. I didn't feel near as crappy as I should have yesterday LOL. Yesterday evening was spent celebrating with Cristian's family. It was low key and uneventful and actually quite nice.

I had my consult with the oral surgeon today. The first round of extractions and such....$4200.00. In the end, with what I have to do with the surgeon and what remains on the list from the regular doctor....$17,243.00. Yep. That's right. $17k.  Not quitting Osco....EVER. LOL

Birthday celebrations

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 21:27:34 GMT

Well this Sunday, January 20th, Cristian FINALLY turns 21! Yeahhhhh whooo hoooo whooppdy dooooooo!!! He can FINALLY order a drink when we go out to dinner! I am throwing a small party for him on Saturday. It is a Mardi Gras theme so I am looking forward to it. You know you are stressed when you say..."I am going to get the Chaser Hangover stuff and get royally plastered" and you take the next day off work because you know you are going to feel like crap ROFL but that is my plan. Pink Halos for everyone! He is very excited and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he doesn't really have alot of friends (I blame this on his parents) so it is more or less a few people from work and that's it. I feel bad....I think back to my 21st birthday party and it was a BLAST. Folks still talk about it! It was so much fun and so many people were there. It really brings back alot of memories for me. I am not very close to that many people anymore. Sunday will be the family party and I am DEFINITELY not looking forward to that. Me sitting around with his family, not knowing anything anyone is saying.

Cristian also got promoted. He is now an Assistant Manager. Because of his new promotion, he will be leaving the store we both work at.

I am just waiting to hear if I got preapproved for a mortgage and if the preapproval is contingent on the two jobs. If it isn't, I plan on leaving there shortly myself. I don't think I will get the mortgage. I was talking to the lender and she said I would need 10k down and I only have 7 and I won't be able to do more than that before May. So it may be another year before I get my house. Sigh. I am not a happy camper but what can you do. I was damn proud that I had the 7k!

Another cold blast this weekend. Sigh. It's a good thing I will be too drunk to care!

SEP IRAs and a final decision on moving

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 20:55:03 GMT

So....I have an IRA at my old firm. When I left --- three years ago -- there wasn't a huge balance but it was enough that I would think it would have earned a decent percentage. I had thought, because I had been told, that the SEP would be invested with a chunk going into foreign stocks (high risk but also high yield) and half would be put into something useful locally - like utitilities. So for some reason when I moved from Zs house (almost three years ago) the change of address didn't take with Merrill Lynch...so out of sight out of mind, I wasn't really worried about it because I figured the next time I would need to review the funds, would be when I closed the SEP to use the money for a down payment for a house.

So today I called Merrill Lynch and ummmm well my money in the past three years has earned....try not to faint......$40.00...yep...you heard me right...turns out the attorneys just put it in a money market account instead of any type of investment. I was LIVID. So much for my nice down payment.....I cried, yelled and screamed and of course blamed myself. The rep immediately divested the funds and moved the money to four different type of accounts which I think I will be happy with but alas...a little too late.

Now....come February I have to start looking at mortgages. I realize that although my credit has improved greatly, I will still need to go with a subprime loan. I also realize I have this dental stuff looming over my head and most recently, another issue of my ex-husband's debt has crossed my path. All this being said, I don't want to have to settle on a house but at the same time I also know I need to buy this year or I will never be able to afford the area I want to live in. They keep building out there and it is just going to get more and more expensive.

So I made a decision today and I talked it over with my sister and when my lease is up, I will be moving in to her house. Just for a few month the spring and summer months and in the fall buy a house. The money I would save would be astronomical. She would only charge me $500.00 a month for rent (if that) and all the other money I would save would be put into an account specifically for the house. Moving expenses, new furniture, etc. In this way, I won't have to struggle and I can get what I want in the end. Yeah it means living with basically my entire family for at least six months but that's ok. She didn't have to offer it and the money will help her out too (her husband is in construction so enough said there).

Obviously I will need to discuss it with Cristian who won't be happy and of course me being 37 and living with my family sort of sucks but oh well. In the end it will be worth it.... Won't it?

Someone tell me if I am doing the right thing! Ugghhh!

The result of the New Years Eve Drama

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 15:03:17 GMT

So after Cristian and I basically decided that I would stay home for NYE and he would go to church, my friend Kristen (who both Cristian and I also work with and someone who has become a close friend (we may share an apartment this spring if I don't buy a house)) invited me to join her family at an upscale restaurant for a NYE party in the city. I, of course, was thrilled and quickly told her I would attend. So I inform Cristian that I need to go to the mall and look for a new dress for NYE to wear to go out with Kristen and Cristian has FIT!!!!!!!! I mean completely and totally loses control! Tells me how hurt he is and angry he is that I would want to be with someone else on NYE and not him. I try to calm him down and explain that this has nothing to do with wanting to be with him or not wanting to be with him but that I want to do what I WANT TO DO and NOT go to CHURCH! He of course just could not grasp it. We fought back and forth without either of us really being able or wanting to see each other's point of view. I did not want to go to his church. I did not want to spend so many hours sitting there not understanding anything and watching all these people do things I just don't understand or accept. Cristian could not understand how I was feeling and kept saying "all I want is this one night, why can't you give me this one night". With that I finally gave in. I was tired of arguing and tired of the drama and I cried and yelled that I would go with him, not because I wanted to be with him, but because I was sick and tired of his manipulation. I also stated that HE OWED ME A NEW YEARS EVE. That if I went and did this whole church thing, that he would have to come up with a way to give me back my celebration. So he now has to plan a night out on the town and it BETTER BE GOOD! LOL

So I had to work until 5 and Cristian was at least nice enough to allow us to go to church an hour later than when it started so I would only have to spend 3 hours in church instead of four (WASN'T THAT NICE?????).

So at 8:00 p.m. we left to go to meet up with his family at his parents' house. We get there and no one is home. Everyone is still working. At 9:30 they all walk in the door, they change and we leave the house at 10:00. Get to church and they are doing testimonies. At 10:30 the pastor says "ok let's break for dinner". So I only had to sit through a half hour of church stuff and than they broke for dinner. Of course, dinner consisted of some chicken and rice Puerto Rican dish that I equated to gruel so I didn't eat anything. I turned to Cristian and reminded him that had I gone out with Kristin I would be having filets and/or lobster but that's ok because I was happy with gruel (yeah I know bitchy me right?) So this lasted until 11:15. Wherein the service started up again. At ten minutes to midnight the pastor called everyone to the front of the alter for a final prayer. Everyone started speaking in tongues and crying as I watched the clock slowly go to midnight. I looked around and saw all these people crying and beating on their chests and everything and I realized my biggest problem is that I do not believe that God wants their tears. My God is a loving God who wants his children to be happy. Instead, all these people around me are behaving as though they have already seen hell. The bible says "praise him with a joyful song" yet all these people were acting as though the end of the world was at hand. That upset me the most. The New Year is a time for things to change...either for the better or for the worst but for that one moment we have a look into a positive year. Ugghhhh it actually brought tears to my eyes and made me thankful for MY faith, MY beliefs and frankly, my own positive relationship with God.

At midnight the service was over and everyone went their own way. I joined Cristian and his family to his uncle's house for a NYE party (all I can say is the chicken I tried to eat was from El Salvador...literally brought in in someone's suitcase...how the hell did they do that!!!!!!!!!!) Yeah....no lobster or filet for me that night. Lots of bread though....lots and lots of bread. LOL